Well, I can’t promise that I’ve successfully managed to do that yet, but I’m trying something new to see if it will work, as I need to do something otherwise I fear I may run mad. Well, maybe that’s a tad too Bronte-esque but you get the picture.
I’ve been involved in a very complicated relationship for the last few months with something of a game player, with issues. I’ve decided, while he’s away on a three-week-long vacation, to call time on it, before it has a seriously deleterious affect on my mental health.
The problem is that what your brain decides to do using its purely logical imperative, it also manages to stymie using its illogical drive. I’d become aware that my thoughts were endlessly drifting to conversations we’d had, memories of fun times and things I wanted to say. I’ve been on this endless loop now for weeks and weeks, it reaches its conclusion in the middle of the night when I wake and cry soft tears into my bed sheets.
I realised that I’d fallen into a rather self-destructive cycle of eating bad food and drinking too much, but I’m losing weight, which sounds like an ideal scenario, but in reality it was another indicator, if one were needed, that there was something out of balance in my life.
As is my wont, on occasions like this I did some research online to find a way to get my head clear of this guy. All my friends, for months, have been telling me to steer clear, but my heart always got the better of me, until now. But it’s easier said than done to decide you want to evict an unwanted tenant from your head.
I know how errant and untrained my brain can be. I’ve tried meditation but while I love the idea in theory, in practice my thoughts run amok untamed. Such it has proved to be with the subject of my complicated relationship. I can’t seem to bring my thoughts under control. One technique I discovered online that I thought might work, is the elastic band trick. Filled with the boundless enthusiasm I invariably have when I hit upon an idea that gives allows hope to triumph over expectation I headed to the stationery cupboard at work and found myself a suitably elastic band.
The key to this method is to twang the band, hard, whenever thoughts of your ex beloved pop into your head, so that it becomes a Pavlovian response to association pain and discomfort with thoughts of them. I’ve been doing this for a couple of days now, and while I can’t guarantee that it’s cured me, what it has made me aware of is the number of times I think about him during the day. Recalling a kiss, twag, having an imaginary conversation where he declares undying love, twang, endlessly interpreting messages, twang.
My thoughts have now turned more to anger about his behaviour towards me, is that a good thing? I’m hoping it means that I can move forward on to the grieving process. At least it feels like progress.